A Truth

I received a new oracle deck last night in ceremony:  the Osho Zen Tarot.  Asking for wisdom today, I pulled the 7 of Clouds card:  Politics.  It was pithy and so apt for what is going on today both in politics and in the Church:

"Anybody who can be a good pretender, a hypocrite, will become your leader politically, will become your priest religiously.  All that he needs is hyocrisy, all that he needs is cunningness, all that he needs is a facade to hide behind.  Your politicians live double lives, your priests live double lives - one from the front door, the other from the back door.  And the back-door life is their real life.  Those front-door smiles are just false, those faces looking so innocent are just cultivated.

If you want to see the reality of the politician, you will have to see him from his back door.  There he is in his nudity, as he is, and so is the priest.  These two kinds of cunning people have dominated humanity.  And the found out very early on that if you want to dominate humanity, make it weak, make it feel guilty, make it feel unworthy.  Destroy its dignity, take all glory away from it, humiliate it.  And they have found such subtle ways of humiliation that they don't come in the picture at all; they leave it to you to humiliate yourself, to destroy yourself. 

They have taught you a kind of slow suicide."

Start with a bang ...

2012 has begun with vigor!

So far, the vigor has involved shedding responsibilities that are no longer serving me:

1. I'm transferring my half of my therapeutic massage partnership to my business partner.  I simply don't want to own that business anymore and don't want to go in those directions.  I want to steer my own ship now. 
2. I'm leaving a healing circle that was created by a Native American elder because of the ego, shadow and constant projections that come from its members.  When you haven't healed yourself, you can't heal others. 

I have spent time focusing on how I would feel at the end of my life, what I would consider my life to consist of were it deemed a success or failure.  When I did this meditation on New Year's day, a few aspects of my life came up wanting in this regard, so I've changed priorities a bit to include more energy and time toward the things that deeply matter to me.

Success to me in my lifetime means working out my life lessons, dealing with unfinished business of past lives and ancestors, and working out my own individual karmic accumulations.  For me it doesn't necessarily mean money and fame :-)  I really don't care about that very much, though I *would* like to have enough money income to be comfortable and have all of my needs met.  I'd LOVE to win a big, fat lottery and be able to take care of everyone I love!  I hope this happens, too, but either way, my "success" in this lifetime is not tied to that.  

Along with this refocusing, I've begun a few projects that astonish myself.  I'm writing fiction, some bawdy, some tame, and I'm also writing a couple of how-to's, one for the massage profession and one for the shamanic profession.  Such hubris I have to think that I can write books! :-)  As Marianne Williamson puts this quandary:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

If not us, then who?  Who am I not to be a voice in the world?  Why else am I here?

Cheers!

No Moss

I've been traveling almost non-stop since 2 December when I left home for Cleveland to sing with a group there.  Came back for 2 whole days of work, then out on the road again for our annual Christmas visiting of both families.  Just got home last night with a sick hubby; he's got headache, sore throat and sinus crap.    Work starts back tomorrow bright and early.  *sigh*

But we did get this for Christmas from my husband's niece, so all is not lost.  The perfect Nutrckacker!  Ours also has a guitar.

Love thy neighbor as thyself

I just read this:


http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

and it has really made my entire decade.  Many of the thoughts I've always had are espoused here.  Please do read it in its entirety; it's not long and it is really, really worth it.

There's a follow-up here: http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/powerful-responses-to-im-christian-unless-youre-gay-blog.html

This second link is the follow up post which has responses to the first, both good and bad.  Also worth reading.

Love.

Peyote Stitch Project #1

I'm currently trying my first large-scale Peyote Stitch beading project:  I'm beading the handle of a rattle that I made a few weeks ago.  The hide that I used turned out to be a beautiful light and dark.  I think it's horse hide, but not certain.  The colors begged for golds, yellows, reads, greens, so that's what I went with.

As I'm not very quick at this yet, what you see represents between 8 and 10 HOURS of work so far.  I figure I've beaded about 20% of the handle, so I've got more work ahead of me, though I am getting faster.

I also sorta fucked the  pattern up a little bit, but hey; it's my first so I'm cutting myself some slack.  I'll just take "finished" and be happy about it :-)

It passes the time fabulously quickly.

Queer Meme

My turn, I think, on this one.  And this prompted me to turn on the "adult content" warning sign.  

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?

I was about 5.  I always liked to be with men who had body hair and big calves; I just had this tremendous warm feeling about it.  I had more hints in school when I was teased about playing in the sandbox with the girls instead of playing with the boys.  And then when I was nine I told my next door neighbor about the anal sex I was having with my cousins - when he blew his stack I *knew* there was something different about me!  What, none of the other little boys I knew did these things?  

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?

My girlfriend and I in High School (she's multi-sexual now, has been married once, was with a woman for a couple of decades and now is with a trans man) masturbated each other to orgasm once and heavy-petted a lot, but that's as close as I've gotten.

3. Who was the first person you came out to?

My own self, followed closely by my parents.

4. Are you out to your family?

Yes, completely.  Since I was bout 20 and had just gotten with my first partner.

5. Do you want children?

I'd love grandchildren.  I like kids and I'm really good with them - just don't want to have them in my house breaking my stuff all the time.  But my husband and I would be fab granddads. Too bad neither of us has children of our own.  I'm finally at the age when I think I could handle it, though.  

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?

It's a relatively even mix.

7. Were you out in school?

OH, hell no.  I quietly came out my senior year of college, so my housemates (all lesbian now) knew.  But then we were all coming out to each other simultaneously.  I was the "brave one" who did it first and gave the others their tacit permission. 

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?

Yes.  Had you asked me this in High School I would have said, 'no'. 

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?

I've had sex with a few of my best friends; current best is my husband.

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?

No - I didn't even know what that was until a few years ago.  I thought "Tina" was a person.  

11. Have you ever been in a sling?

No - but I sure would love to be.

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?

Absolutely!  It's lovely to be in a bed all snuggled up with a few people.  

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?

Only once as an adult - I was an elderly maiden of Diana's court in a Baroque opera scene here in the city where I live.  I was in a skirt, pearls, had a foliage headdress and my beard, of course.  Played "dressup" as a kid, of course, like we all did.  

14. Would you date a drag queen?

Depends on the drag queen.   I'd date *anyone* if their soul called to me.    

15. Are you 'fixed in your ways' as it were?

Not really.  There are some things I do insist on, but others I change to suit my fancy

16. Cher or Bette?

Neither.  I'm more an Emma Kirkby/Leontyne Price/Jan DeGaetani kinda guy.

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?

Oh, yes!  I love Arab men, though I haven't dated any.  I dated a beautiful black man who had the most amazing ways about him.  Yum.  Right now its just us two white crackers. 

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?

Key West.  On a whim with a British friend.  "Clothing Optional Pool Bar" was new to me.

Original 18. Have you ever barebacked?

Yes - my first partner and I were exclusive.  We barebacked for the duration of our relationship, and then used condoms when we had sex together after we broke up.  Once or twice - foolishly - with others.  I do prefer it.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?

Zero. 

20. Name of your first love?

Patrick

21. Do you still talk to them?

No - we were in kindergarten at the time.

22. Does size matter?

You know, I used to not think so.  I love a beautiful dick, and I'm mesmerized by some large ones.  But really, I can't do much with the really big ones or with the really teeny ones.  Until I started dating at 40 and found out that there were dicks that fit my own anatomy much better than my first partner's had, I would have said that this was a non-issue for me.  *Thickness* matters a LOT, I have discovered.  I can get pleasure from any penis, sure!  And I love giving it, too.  BUT, when I dated Paul, I came spontaneously every single time he put his cock in my ass in a breathless, earth-shattering way.  Really.  Every time.  Holy Crap.  That was nigh on to the perfect cock for me, hands down.  Too bad that sex was almost the only thing we had in common :-(  SO, I would say that some cocks fit me way better than others and can greatly influence my pleasure and ability to orgasm.  AND I would also say that technique and love matters more.  Pleasure is a multivariable equation, and size is merely one isolated term in it. 

23. Biggest turn on?

Gentle masculinity.  Body hair!  (I almost came spontaneously when I saw the body hair on the hairiest man I've ever been with, no lie)  Beautifully muscled legs. Kindness.

24. Biggest turn off?

Assholism.  Overly aggressive and manipulative people.  Arrogance. Meanness. Retribution.  Underarm odor.

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?

Never.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?

I can camp it up when I want to.  I have a deliciously wicked ability to mimic voices - which is completely nelly and turns a lot of people off.  I'm terrified by bugs and I squeal when they scuttle.  It's the scuttling part that does it to me. 

27. Ever been to a pride rally?

Yes!  Several - all total fun.

28. Would you marry if you could?

Did.  Want to again as many times as possible until the US gets it right. 

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?

Rich and smart.  

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?

Oh HELL no.  I briefly dated a hair stylist (what was I thinking?) who wanted to tweeze my eyebrows so that it would "open up my eyes a little".  I scoffed so hard at the notion that I think he died a little inside. 

31. Do you trim your body hair?

Nooooooooo.   Did that ONCE.  I think secondary sex characteristics, especially body hair, is extraordinarily sexy on a man. 

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?

Actually, no.  Well, if you don't count my older cousins when we were little.  

33. Ever been to an orgy?

I've been one in a room where six people were having sex with each other ... not sure if this is 'orgy' material.  

34. Which character in "The Women" best reflects you?

The what?  Actually I'm familiar with the idea that there IS a movie named "The Women" that gay men get off on.  Never seen it.  But I do know the "Jungle Red" reference.  

35. Favorite gay expression ?

Faaabulous!

36. How may 'ex' do you have?

One.  We had seventeen beautiful, strange and difficult years together.  Still love each other now and are still in regular touch.  I have a few other "we've dated" exes, but they really don't count as exes.

37. Do you believe in fairies? 

Yes.  And angels and Little People and Trolls and Wights.  And Power Animals and Teachers and Guides ...

38. Do you have any tattoos?

Not yet - several planned, just need the time and the moolah.  And the right artist.

39. Do you have any piercings?

Yes - left earlobe and PA.  Want a discrete septum piercing that I can hide from clients when I'm at work.  It would be nice to just have the old bone in the nose on weekends when I'm among family. 

40. Would you date a smoker?

I did without knowing it.  He didn't smell of smoke, nor did he taste of it!  Very fastidious.  So - depends on the smoker.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?

Tons.  Love 'em.  Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. 

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?

One very dear friend in the late 80's.  A few others who were really only acquaintances.  I just wasn't hooked into the scene then.  

43. Are you part of a gay organization?

No. 

44. Is your gym cruisy?

Gym?  My gym is the mountain trails I hike.  I have gotten some sultry looks out there though ...

45. Grinder or Scruff?

Um, excuse me ... what?

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?

In front of!  I'm just learning how to live at 49.5!

47. Got Porn?

Duh.  Does a boy have a dick?

48. Make out music?

Johann Rosenmueller, Hesperion XX, 

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?

Lots.  I have a couple of straight friends who love right me back. 

50. Did you ever have sex with him?

I would so love to.  One's a skinny, hairy dude, and he would be dynamite in the sack.  The other is a beautiful Italian bear who *has* kissed me.  And who'd also be a ton of fun to play with. 

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?

Yes.  Haulover Beach in Miami and Wreck Beach in Vancouver!  Loved it, especially Wreck.  When I descended the 400+ stairs to get down from the bluff to the beach and the elderly lady in front of me whipped off her top, I knew it was going to be fun. And THEN when I saw the nude young man helping his elderly nude father - with walker and oxygen tank - I was totally sold.  Seeing naked families playing together on the beach was a total treat. 

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?

No.

53. Ever had sex in public?

Yes - it wasn't planned that way, but it sure ended up that way.  There's something more than hot about being watched ...

54. What gay gene did you miss out?

Tidiness.  And decorating.  To my partner's sorrow, I'm a slob.  And a small-time hoarder.  Alas.  Well, I also missed out on the skinny twink gene:  I'm a mesomorph, short, squat and strong and now, overweight.

Ég er napur í bullet

I am biting the bullet.

For years I've wanted to learn Icelandic, mostly because I groove on languages, and also because one of my ancestors was from there.  Not having a really good reason to learn a language I was never, ever going to speak, I didn't.

Now I have a reason.

Since April I've been working with and exploring seiðr  ("sayth"), a shamanic-like indigenous magic that was practiced by the old Norse peoples and which is spoken of in the sagas.  Seiðr is somewhat of a mystery to modern peoples since we don't really know how it was done, nor do we know what it actually did.

There are other related workings called spá and galdr, practices which encompassed shamanism, sorcery, prophecy and other forms of indigenous magic. Some modern practitioners lump all of this under seiðr, and some like to separate all of the different practices using the different words for them found in the sagas.

Personally, I have no idea.

What I do know is that spá or spae is written about almost exclusively as a method of prophetic divination, or augury. Seiðr in general is described as being used for healing, cursing, weather-working and for changing events.  For a longer article, see the Wikipedia article on the Völva or Spae Wife. I also know that I have been drawn to this practice like a moth to a flame, my ancestral imprints tugging at me from the ancient past. After my first session of oracular seiðr, of actually being a seiðmaðr on the High Seat, I felt as if I'd been born with a staff in my hand. The practice felt so oddly familiar to me, and they fit me like a comfortable well-loved and well-used glove.

These practices also calling deeply to others who are sharing this journey with me: one of my study group mates was plunged into rich visual imagery as I read to the group from the best-known account in the sagas of the ritual of an oracular High Seat spae from the saga of Eirik the Red. Her images contained several details I had not mentioned but which are written of in other sagas. Um, and did I say she's of Norwegian descent?

So, I've ordered a book on beginning Icelandic so that I can possibly begin to read some of the sagas that have not been translated yet.   Further down the rabbit hole ...

Sticks and Hair

It's amazing what one can do with three sticks and some hair.  I've discovered the magic of spinning fiber into yarn, and it only takes sticks and hair to do it.  Admittedly, the sticks are finely made, and the hair has been prepard so that it *will* spin.  But still.  It's totally fun and magic.  

And a bit mysterious and irritating.  The principle is simple:  adding twist to fibers makes them grab each other.  When they grab each other, you get strong yarn that doesn't let go of itself.   Here you see my first yarn spun on my brand new Aegean spindle that is a copy of a spindle bought in a Greek market about 15 years ago by the man who made this one.  It truly spins like a dream.   The bluish fiber is a mixture of 60% Merino wool and 40% Bamboo.  Cool, huh?

Kinky.  Hairy.  Just like I like it.Down here is the first wool that I spun last night from this beautiful creamy-white roving.  I think I'm in love with yet another hand craft.  My husband merely sighs.

I also knit, another thing you can do with hair and two sticks.  My late grandmother, my dad's mom, learned to knit and to crochet when her sisters died with said projects unfinished.  She learned so that she could finish their work.  I've got crochet on my radar for sometime this winter, too.

Taking up the spindle feels to me like completing unfinished ancestral work.  That's one reason I bought the spindle with the Anglo-Saxon runes.  They are:  Wunjo, "Joy", Ear, "Earth", and Kalc, "Chalice".  

Make a beautiful, big container for all of your joy here on Earth.

Names

Each of us has a name
given by God
and given by our parents

Each of us has a name
given by our stature and our smile
and given by what we wear

Each of us has a name
given by the mountains
and given by our walls...

"Names" by Zelda


 I love this poem, and especially love the setting of it found on the Roches album Zero Church, a collection of prayers set to music, a collaboration with women at the shelter at 0 Church street in NYC.

I also love it because it encapsulates the shamanic concept of using thought to bind, of using the name we build in our heads to place upon another.  Naming something builds a box around it, an enclosure that defines and confines it in our minds.

Those names, those thoughts, those thoughtforms, are not just thoughts, but are real; real energetic constructs that do affect us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Yesterday when this song came along on the CD in my car, I realized that I've been doing a lot of name-calling lately; this week I'm working with a recalcitrant teacher who is teaching a workshop here and who is flouting hospital rules and regs which could endanger my livelihood and my relationships with medical teams where I live.  I've been putting much mental energy into specific names/thoughtforms and sending them towards her these past few days, binding her and adding energetic intrusions to her energy field.

Doing this, asserting power over someone or some thing is the very definition of sorcery.

As irritated as I am about her dangerous bullheadedness, using sorcerous means is not very good for the soul or for ones karma ;-)


Today I ask that I may be able to express my emotions, but not send them; that they be transmuted into healing energies available to all.

37 Things

1. I usually eat my food sequentially, consuming one item at a time on my plate
2. As an adult, I have never lived in a house that had a dishwasher
3. For eleven years I lived without a flush toilet
4. We also had no running hot water
5. For at least three of those years, we had no running water at all and would go into town to gather it in five gallon jugs from a neighbor's house
6. We heated exclusively with wood
7. My ex has lived like this since he moved to his father and uncle's old farm in October of 1988
8. I loved that place -  still do
9. When he and I split up I lived for two years in a travel trailer (a beautiful Airstream!) with no electricity
10. I have grown my own food
11. I score 1 point away from the Asperger's score on most on-line autism tests
12. I still don't understand the things which motivate people, though others around me get this sort of information as if through osmosis
13. I don't live entirely in the 'here and now'; I walk the Otherworlds occasionally
14. As a child I sometimes knew who was going to call before the phone rang, who was going to come by the house before the knock sounded, etc. 
15. I put these abilities away when I went to Engineering School - they weren't 'scientific'
16. When they began coming roaring back, I ended up leaving my technical career to become a bodyworker
17. "Healer" is closest word I can think of that matches what I do now 
18. That word makes me squirm
19. But it fits
20. I don't know how to create business cards and brochures for that 
21. Had you told me six years ago that I would be walking the Otherworlds, teaching classes in shamanism and guiding others in being mediums for compassionate deities, I would have doubled over in laughter
22. Had you told me fifteen years ago that I would be doing *anything* other than crafting software or building robots, I would have been offended and angry
23. Had you told me just how much I love this new life, I would have been frightened
24. I love what I'm becoming
25. I love what I've been at each time in my life 
26. Even as a child I had affinity with mechanical things
27. I put this to good and unconscious use - as a software developer at an almost-Ivy university I could almost walk into a room and tell what was wrong with a piece of machinery just by the way it felt; machines sort of talk to me that way
28. I usually know a machine is going to break before anyone else
29. I feel their pain, and I hate it when people mistreat them
30. I work in a major medical institution, a regional cancer center, doing massage
31. and shamanic healing
32. and energy work
33. and every single shamanic healing technique you can think of
34. Soul Retrieval 
35. even Depossession.  
36. Many, many times
37. the farther down the rabbit hole I go, the more at home I am

Two Hot Bears in a Spo-Shirt

This is us modelling the Spo-Shirt that UrSpo sent us as part of his spo-shirt tour!  Enjoy :-)

Edge

I've found that it's good to do one thing that scares me and pushes me to one of my edges every day.  Today:  work in the cheomotherapy infusion unit giving massage to patients receiving treatment there.

As Within, So Without

We are starting a volunteer effort at work in which my business partner and I provide gentle massage to those receiving chemotherapy infusions in the infusion unit downstairs and in the Phase I clinic upstairs (where new chemo drugs get administered to humans for the very first time ever).

This is my business partner's dream that she's been working on for 12 years. It is not my dream. I'm scared to death about it for no apparent reason, and I've been trying to figure out whence comes my anxiety and fear and overweaning terror.

In an email today I received my weekly note from a cool therapist who nailed it:

Such mirroring is one of the sacred, and practical, functions ofrelationship. If we want to know how we truly feel about ourselves,we simply need to observe the quality of relationship we are attracting into our lives. It will give us an accurate read every time.

As I read this I turned it around a bit and then it finally hit me:  I'm so afraid of doing this because this is something I don't do, can't do for myself:   In so many ways I don't step up to support myself, really nurture myself. I have some sort of deep aversion, deep fear of taking care of myself (because then that might mean I'm truly alone, truly "on my own" now?  fear of not being loved and/or taken care of by a loved one?  is this my own fear of abandonment at work here?).

So, unable to rise to the cause of taking care of me, how can I possibly think of doing these unthinkable things for anyone else?

It's a relief to begin to know what this is.  And in the knowing , begin to unravel it.

Update:  I just saw my first patients while they were receiving chemo infusion, and everything was totally fine.

Being of Consequence

I come from a family energetic and from a place of self-esteem which says:  "you do not matter".

The tape in my head, the agreement I've made with myself about myself plays its loud, endlessly-looped message thusly:

"What you do in the world does not matter."

"People do not notice you."  

"Your talents are wasted, go unappreciated, unnoticed, unapplauded."

I was shocked today to hear exactly the opposite from someone I care about deeply and with whom I have shared a business for over ten years.  While giving her a massage this morning, she made it perfectly clear to me that she does see me in crystal clarity. She made it absolutely plain that I do matter to her and to the company, and what's more, she has a dead-on, very accurate assessment of my strengths.  She enumerated them to me at length and in great detail and in a way that kind of took my breath away.

I am seen, and I am seen by those around me very clearly, indeed.

Replacing this very old agreement I have with myself with something closer to the actual truth could seriously change my daily experience of life.

Knowing how keenly I also see my fellow humans, this should have been no shock, but is one of those blind spots that I have, that we all have, I suppose.

The truth?  The new agreement that I forge for myself with myself?

I am seen very clearly indeed, and by all.

Nothing about me is hidden or obscured.

Everything I do matters.

Deeply.

To All Beings.

In All the Worlds.